No beginning and no end
by Tc33 - Amie
Summary: A collection of Doctor/River one-shots. No link between them. Different styles, different moments of their lives, different genres, sad or funny or fluffy or cute...
1. No beginning and no end

_**Disclaimer : obviously, I don't own Doctor Who.  
><strong>_

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><p><em><strong>1. No beginning and no end<strong>_

"If you go to the north, the night will become darker and darker, and you will finally come to a place where the sun never rises. There is no life, it's too cold and too dark, not a single animal, not a single plant. Only rocks and sand. And darkness, lonely and endless darkness."

He turned his head, his chin brushing against her hair, and her gaze followed his hand which moved from the left to the right. His other one was still gripping her waist and she had nothing to think about, except feeling his hearts beating against her and listening to his voice, explaining the strange place he had brought her —a planet that never turned around its sun.

"If you go to the south, the light will turn brighter and brighter, and you will finally come to a place where the sun never disappears. It shines on and on, burning everything. There is no life either, it would be cooked in a few seconds, the air is too hot and the sun is too bright."

He paused. His hand reached her arm and he began stroking it without even noticing, his touch going up to her shoulder and down to her hand to the rhythm of his voice.

"And between those two extremes there are places like this one. Not too sunny, not too dark. Life has found a place where it could grow up and create a new."

He was right. She had never seen something like that before. The sky was purple, dark and almost blue over their heads, but it turned lighter and softer at the skyline to become pink. The colours were beautiful, between light and shadow. There was no black, no white, but grey, no red, no yellow, but orange, and every other colours were a mix of two, three, four others. It was a place where you could not be alone, you could not be wrong or right, and you could not be rising or falling. It was half-measure and balance.

"It's always dawn—or always sunset. You never know. Always expecting the sun to rise or to fall. There are only a few people living here, and they never stay long, because they become crazy. They never know where they are, when they are, if it's day or night, if they are before or after. Hours pass by but time means nothing here because nothing changes, nothing moves. No beginning. No end. And it always has been—always will be."

He stopped speaking and his hand was not moving anymore on her arm; he was just holding her tightly now. She could feel him putting a kiss in her hair and taking a deep breath as he smelt it.

She was expecting him to start speaking again but he did not, only laid next to her without moving. She felt his last words running in her mind and, finally, she dared to ask the only thing she was wondering about.

"Doctor? Are you trying to say something about us?"

She pulled back a bit, so that she could catch his look.

"What? No. No. I was not thinking about..."

He looked lost and confused and she could see his thoughts fighting in his mind. And then he slowly calmed down as she smiled at him. There was nothing wrong. He had not made a mistake. She was not blaming him—she never was, and never would be.

"Oh. Yes. Perhaps. I don't know."

He sighed and his chest moved up and down under her hand. He was staring at her face, tracing her shapes with his fingers, drawing the outline of her eyes, exploring the curves of her lips, walking over the mountain of her cheeks. There was something in his eyes, something he was hiding, and she could not ask because it was something she had not lived yet. Something sad and something bitter. But she could also see his love and his tenderness, for the things they had already lived, and the things that they still have to live.

"You know that it can't be..." she finally said. "This. This planet. What you've said about that place. Everything has to start and everything has to finish. Beginning and end. Life and death. That's how it works. That's how everything works."

_And so our story has to, _she thought_. And so _we_have to._ And she was sure that he could hear it, he could understand it, and he could read it on her face.

"Maybe. Maybe not." he answered. "Not here."

He kissed her forehead and she lay against his chest. Everything would be simple if it could be like this place. She sighed, and she could feel he hold her tighter.

"Can we stay here a little more?" she whispered.

_As long as she wanted._


	2. Cold River

_Author's note :  
>Thank you for reading ! And thank to <strong>Goblindreamer, <strong>my beta, who is doing a wonderful job ;)  
>Hope I'll be able to update soon !<em>

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><p><strong><em>2. Cold River<em>  
><strong>

"Come on River, get up!"

She moaned something he could not understand and buried her face a little more in the pillow.

"It's just a cold. You can't be so ill."

"I can. I am"

She sniffed and he sighed impatiently.

"You don't even have fever."

"My head aches, my nose aches, my throat aches, and I'm sniffling a ridiculous amount. I'm ill, can't you understand that, stupid, perfect, 'always okay' Time Lord? I just want to rest."

She sneezed, turned, and curled up in the sheets. Her head almost disappeared under the blanket and all he could see is a mount of blond curls.

"That's unfair. You can't blame me because of genetics!"

She did not answer anything. Or at least, he could not hear her. He calmed down and tried again.

"So you're going to lie here all day long?"

He heard something that sounded like a yes, but he was not sure. That did not prevent him from looking for other things to argue.

"Think of all the adventures waiting for you outside! I will let you fly the Tardis if you want. And choose where you want to land. When you want to go. I can...I can give you a planet if you want to!"

She sneezed again and this time he surrendered. If she did not want to move, there was nothing he could do.

"Okay, okay, we can stay here."

He took his jacket off and threw his shoes on the carpet. Then he crawled in the bed, and lifted the sheets so he could see her face. She groaned and tried to get the blanket back to her. He could not but smile as he looked at her face. She was a little red and her nose was running—finally, even River Song had her weaknesses. And he loved her, not only when she was fine and when they ran together through danger, but he also loved her when she was ill and they had to stay in bed all day long.

"There are also interesting things we can do in bed."

He came closer and began caressing her shoulders, then going down to her thighs and his fingers tried to find a way under her dressing gown. Surprisingly, she roughly pushed him away and turned her back.

"Doctor, please, I said I wanted to rest."

He stayed voiceless for a while, shocked by her reaction. Then he quickly jumped out of the bed and crossed the bedroom.

"Okay, okay, I believe you, you're really ill. You can't stay like that. I'll give you the best medicine I have. Trust me, in one hour you'll be cured."

She smiled as he went out, almost running. She always knew how to get what she wanted.


	3. Snowy respite

_**Author's note: thanks to everyone who read the first chapters. Here is the third one!  
><strong>_

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><p><em><strong>3. Snowy respite<strong>_

She is standing still, surrounding by the falling snow. He is a few steps behind her and all he can see is her white fur coat, which is so long it is almost touching the ground. She might have heard him but she does not move, staring at the little flakes that are slowly covering the frozen lake front of her. It's the middle of the night, but it's not dark – the lights of the city behind them are reflecting in the ice, creating a low-key atmosphere that makes her shine brighter.

For a moment he does not move, looking at her. It's a beautiful picture and he wants to keep it in his mind forever– her and the snow, not a sound but his own breath and the slowly breeze that makes the snowflakes dancing around them.

Finally, he moves and comes to her. His feet are making a delightful scratching noise on the snowy ground that nothing else in the universe can be close to. He can't stop himself from smiling and for a second he closes his eyes, to the sound become louder in his mind so that he can print it in his memory. He reaches her and aligns his own body with hers, his gaze looking in the same direction. She does not move and keeps looking straight forward, but he can feel the little trembling of her body as he comes to stand next to her. He stares at the lake and the crystallized dark water, but soon he can't resist anymore and he turns his look in her direction.

She has turned her collar up to protect her neck, but her head is free and he can see snowflakes falling in her hair, as if they were thousands of silver pieces of glitter in her golden curls. Her face is pale but getting some colours, as the cold weather refreshes her skin. Her nose is pink, almost red, and that's so cute he has to restrain himself from tapping it and kissing it and putting it in his hands to warm it.

Time passes and she still does not move. He is getting bored of standing still_,_ but he does not want to be the first to talk. He begins playing with the snow, trying to catch the flakes in his hands, and sticking his tongue out to taste them – but they all melt on his warm body. Soon he is losing himself in his game and he does even not realize she is standing next to him, until her hand is on his, a snowflake trapped in their both palms. He surprisingly gazes at her and she is smiling, more beautiful than ever. Then she looks down over their entwined hands and carefully pulls her own out, turns it over and opens her fingers. In the cup of her hand the snowflake is still shining, intact.

"How did you...?" he begins, but then he stops, as she is blowing in her palm to make the little icy chip flying in the air. He stares at its graceful movement and soon he loses it between the thousand other snowflakes that are filling up the air. There's something hypnotic in their dance, and he is watching them again, forgetting what he is doing here.

"When are you?" she suddenly asks, pulling him out of his dream, and he almost jumps.

He catches her look and tries to read her face, but he knows he can't.

"You first." He finally answers, as he can't find the solution by himself.

"Why?" she asks, staring at him with surprise.

"You can't imagine how young you were the last times I saw you." He says, sadness and nostalgia covering his look as he remembers.

"And so were you," She answered.

"You were still in the University. You did not even know..." he continues, barely realizing she is speaking as well.

"You did not know me. You did not know who I was, for you. You did not even know..."

And while their last words are making their way on their mind they suddenly deeply looked at each other. If she thinks he is the younger – and is he thinks she is younger... If he thinks she does not know him – and if she thinks he does not know her...

"Area 52?" She finally asks, hesitant, trying to contain the trembling of her voice.

She is holding her breath, waiting for his answer, but he is taking his time and she asks herself if he is torturing herself on purpose. Then she can see a smile taking shape on his face and a huge weigh leaves her heart.

"Such a long time ago for me," He answers, and his face is radiant, shining under the snow falling around them. "What about you?"

Words stay trapped in her mind and she can't answer him. She knows she should not react like this but she simply can't. It's been too long since she last saw him, the real him. She moves her head so she doesn't have to withstand his look anymore and maybe he won't see how much she is moved. But he puts a warm hand on her cheek and turns her so their eyes lock again, and before she can react he is softly kissing her.

She is pressing against him as much as he is against her, and a mix of opposing sensations are running in him. Her face and her nose are as cool as he has imagined them, but her lips are hot and almost burning under his touch. The snow is falling on them, creating cold drops on their heads, but he can feel warm water on his hand falling down her cheek – and there is something wrong.

He pulls back, surprised, as he realizes she is crying.

"River? What's wrong?" he asks.

Tears are running down her face but she is smiling and he can't understand.

"I'm sorry," she says. "It's just that... it's been such a long time. I thought I would never see this you again."

"I'm sorry, this is my fault." He answers her.

He strokes her cheek and slowly wipes away her tears with his thumb, and she has to swallow to prevent others from falling. She takes a deep breath and lean_s_ on his hand, entwining her fingers in his and pressing a kiss on his palm.

"But I promise you_,_" he finally added_,_ "I will still come to you my love, whatever happens, until the end."

Then he surrounds her with his arms and pulls her closer. Snow keeps falling down, but soon they forget that time is passing them by and they stay still, tightly hugging each other, wishing that moment could last forever.


	4. The first fall

_**Author's note : sorry everyone, I know I haven't updated it for a long time, but this chapter was more difficult to end that I'd thought.**_

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><p><em><strong>4. The first fall<strong>_

"River?"

She does not answer but look_s_ deeply into his eyes and strengthens her grip around his hand.

"Do you trust me?"

"Of course_,_" she says, without any hesitation, her look still trapped _by _his.

"How much?"

"Completely."

_He closes his eyes, and for a moment, he hesitates._

"Enough to let me risk your life?"

She smiles. She is young and she _has _not know_n_ him for a long time _—_but she knows everything she needs to.

"Always."

Her answer calms him down and his decision is made. He leaves her and he walks a few steps _away_. She stands still, waiting, while he keeps looking at her_. H_e _does not _need to tell her how he loves her and how he hopes he isn't making a mistake.

She takes a deep breath, clenches her fists and nods_—_this is the signal he was waiting for. She closes her eyes at the moment he presses the panel control on the wall.

The ground vanishes under her feet and she falls. She feels the void around her, running on her skin. She is moving down so fast she gets the impression that she is still and that's the universe is moving around her. She would like to open her eyes but she can't. She is too afraid and too excited at the same time. It's the first time she has ever felt like th_is—_ moving, running, falling, dancing, with stars burning in her _h_air. There is no air anymore in her lungs, but she does not feel the need _to breathe_. It's like dying, and she has never felt so alive. Her blood is boiling in her veins, every inch of her skin hurts, and she can count every beat of her heart.

Only a second passes away, but it feels like an eternity.

Then her feet hit the ground and it's hard_,_ not falling. She opens her eyes and she finds herself in the centre of the Tardis. He is front of her, smiling.

"You can't help yourself, can you?" he ask_s_.

She can't answer him. Her heart is beating strongly in her chest and she has to fight to make air com_e_ down in her lungs again. Her whole body is shaking and she has to lean _against _the console to remain on her feet. She can't believe that one second before she was falling down and now she stands in the Tardis_,_ safe.

"River, is everything okay?"

He walks over her and his smile disappears as he realizes how weak she is. But she lifts the hand to stop him and comfort him – she is fine. She only needs a few seconds to concentrate on her breath.

"How... how did you do that?" she finally manages to ask.

"How? As always. I got you message and... Wait." he can see her face and something strikes him "Is it the first time for you?"

"The first time?"

"You know, that you..."

"Do you mean that I'm going to do that _again_?" she does not sounds weak anymore – she is shocked and perhaps a bit cross. "Do you mean that you are going to throw me like that another time? Many times?"

She comes on him, threatening – yes, she is cross, and almost shouting at him.

" I... That's not me." he protect_s_ himself "I haven't done anything yet!"

She stops and they look at each other. He is waiting for her and she calms down. Her anger vanishes and she succeeds in smiling.

"Spoilers." she whisper_s_.

"Spoilers." he answers.

And the next second they are both laughing and everything is fine again.

"So now Doctor Song_,_" he ask_s,_ "what are we supposed to do?"

"I don't know. You _didn't_ tell me what to do next. Just _threw_ me out. What about the message I sent – I will send to you?"

"Just coordinates."

"Just coordinates?"

"I assume everything will fix itself up one day..." he shrugs and smiles cheerfully "There is nothing we can do. Only wait."

x.

_He turns back and she is here. He has just let her younger self go but for her it was many years ago. She smiles at him, takes his hand, and together they find their way out._


	5. His eyes

_**5. His eyes**_

She loves a man full of contradictions.

He is old, but he always acts like a little boy. He is young, but sometimes he speaks like a man who has run through all _of_ time and space and knows everything.

He has met many people that betrayed him, that hurt him, that used him for their own profit, but he can trust a stranger and give _all of himself_. He can put his life into stranger's hands, but sometimes he does not trust the friends he has known for years, sometimes he does not trust her, who knows him and loves him more than everyone and would sacrifice everything she has for him.

He has already seen the history of the whole universe and watched planets _die_ and stars _collide_ and galaxies_ collapse, _but he is still fascinated by the blooming of a flower or the birth of a child.

He has lived for hundred_s of_ years, _and _he has already known all the emotions and _felt _all the feelings, but when he kisses her, when he touches her, when he looks at her, he always acts like it _i_s his first time.

x.

When he comes to her_,_ she never knows who she will find, what version of him _she'll be facing_. He has many personalities, many faces, and while she knows every single part of him, sometimes she needs a moment to understand where he is, in what state of mind, and how she has to deal with _him_.

He always changes, but if you _pay attention_, and if you know him as well as she knows him, you will understand that he is always the same. He is always him, the one and only him, the Doctor, _her_ Doctor. And she knew it from the beginning_;_ she knew it a long time before he told her his name.

When he is with her and she asks herself if he is the man she really loves; when he is too young, when he is too old; when she doubts, when she is lost...

She looks into his eyes. She looks into his eyes and she can see him. She looks through him, through the one he looks like, through the one the others see, through his contradictions. She forgets everything that is lie and appearance, and she he can see him.

She looks in his eyes and it's like she _can see_ into his heart, into his hearts. She looks into him and she can see who he really is. She can see what he is made of, his _pain_ and his_ joy_, his like_s_ and his dislike_s_, his _desires_ and his fears, his white and his black, his light and his darkness, his day and his night, his past and his present – and sometimes his future. And that's all she needs to keep going on.

x.

"_Look at me."_

"_River, we don't have time for this!"_

"_Look at me."_

"_Why do you want to..."_

"_Please, Doctor... I won't go any further if you don't."_

_She is nervous and he can understand that because he is different now and she does not know the new him very well. In fact, she said it was the first time for her – even if he has been in that body for years now. And he believes her when she says she won't move. So he sighs and stops, then he comes closer and catches her eyes – or she catches his._

_He can feel her gaze running through him and diving into him and that it's not her eyes, it's her mind. She is looking through him with all she has, with all her feelings, all her memories, all her knowledge. After a while, she calms down and when she has found what she was looking for she just smiles and takes his hand. _

"_Okay, now we can go."_


	6. Clothing Time

_Author's note: I'm sorry for the delay, I'm working on too many things at the same time..._

_Here is a funny chapter (at least I hope) that is definitively rated-T. Hope you'll like it!  
>And thanks to everybody that read that story, everyone that left a review and added this story to their favorite.<em>

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><p><strong><em>6. <em>****_Clothing_****_ time_**

It had been a night like all the other nights. The Doctor had waited forAmy and Rory to_go__to_ sleep and landed in Stormcage; River had walked in and they had visitedsome places in the universe. They had gone to parties, they had danced, they had met enemies and they had saved worlds from death and destruction. When they had lived enough entertainment, they wentback to the Tardis and explored some private adventures.

They only slept for a few hours, and as always, he woke up before her. Now he was leaning on his elbow, staring at her. He knew she had not been sleeping anymore _after_ a few minutes, but her eyes were still closed. She used to do this, still and eyes closed so she could think and slowly wake up. He thought that maybe she also loved the fact that she could, for once, be the one that was waited for, instead of the one who waited.

He was taking advantage of this moment to look carefully at her. She was currently wearing one of his shirt_s_, but he could not remember how orwhen she had taken it. The sleeves were too long and there only the tip_s_ of her fingers stuck out of the fabric. But not every part of her body was hidden the same way. She had not done all the buttons and a huge part of her cleavage was visible. Moreover, the cloth was only covering the beginning of her thighs so he could see the entire length of her legs.

The view was attractive and the urge to touch her exposed skin was hard to fight. But he did not want to waste her moment of peace. He also knew that bothering her while she was trying to wake up was not a good idea. So he just kept looking at her and he waited patiently untilshe decided to move.

Suddenly, her eyes were wide open and fora few seconds she looked fixedly at the ceiling. He saw her blinking once or twice before she turned her head and stared at him. She was completely awake now, and he could already see in her eyes the willing of discovering what life could bring her. He smiled at her and bent so he could catch her lips.

"Hello Sweetie." she said, her mouth still trapped with his.

"Morning."

He leant back on the pillow and took her with him. She rolled herself in his arms and buried her face in his neck with a smile.

_"_It's not really the morning." she objected.

_"_I'm a time lord and we're in a time machine. If I say it's the morning, it's the morning."

She laughed and put a kiss on his throat, her hands tracing waves on his chest.

"As you want my love."

He gripped her hips, and she almost purred when he dragged her closer.

"That's my shirt." he whispered in her hair.

"Yes it is."

"You did not ask me if you could wear it."

"_You _did not complain when I took it off of you."

He groaned while she smirked, and before he could reply she broke the contact between them, escaping from his arms to jump out of the bed. She stood on her tiptoes and stretched herself, her fingers sliding in her hair. As she did, he saw her -his- shirt riding up a bit along her thighs, not really showing anything but high enough to make him think about what actually was a few centimeters up. He swallowed and tried not to flush while she turned around.

"What do you think about breakfast? I'm hungry. Do you come?" she asked.

"You're not going out wearing only... that?" he asked, as he showed the piece of cloth she was wearing with a surprised and disapproval look.

"Why not?"

"It's not hiding anything!" he answered, almost chocked.

_"_It's hiding enough."

"Your parents are out there somewhere."

She raised an eyebrow, trying to understand what he was trying to tell her about her parents.

"Your father's got a sword." he added anxiously, and then she began to laughed as she realized that he was _really_ afraid of what her parents could think about her only wearing one of his shirt.

"Don't worry sweetie, I think they are completely aware of what the two of us are doing and they can deal with that. I'm your wife you know."

"And, wife, I'm telling you you're not going anywhere with only that shirt on you."

He sat up and got his legs out of the bed, while she was slowly moving to the door.

"What if I am?" she asked, flirtatiously.

"Well, I'll have to..."

But before he could finish his sentence she quickly opened the door and ran out.

"Catch me if you can." he heardher crying before she disappeared.

The next second he was running after her through the corridors, and he could hear her laughing a few steps before him. For a moment she ran faster than him but after a few meters she slowed down, and he was sure that she did it on purpose.

Finally he succeeded in catching her fist, and with his other hand he grabbed her hip so he completely got her under control. He pushed her against the nearest wall and pressed his own body against hers in a way she could not escape him. She was breathing heavily and he could feel her hearts beating quickly against his chest – and he knew his hearts and his breath were dancing exactly the same rhythm.

For a second she tried to free herself from his grip but she was still laughing and he soon understood that it was just a way to get closer. He finally released her hands and she immediately put them into his hair, so she could bend his head on hers and catch his lips. She kissed him furiously and he knew that, at that moment, she was taking the control back over him. He let her put her legs around his waist and he helped her, lifting her off the ground, his hands finding their way under the shirt to feel the silky skin of her lower back. She shivered under his touch and moaned, biting his lips more eagerly.

"Hey, the two of you have finally..." said a female voice behind them cheerfully, before stopping and sounding chocked, "Oh Lord! Don't you have any clothes?"

They broke up and River dropped on her feet, her hands still trapped around her husband's neck. They both looked around and they finally saw Amy looking at them in her dressing gown, her hands in her hips in a disapproval way.

"Hmmm… Amy, hello!" said the Doctor clumsily, while he put River's hands out of his body "That's… you're right… I was actually saying to River that she should…"

_"_I was not talking about her." Amy harshly cut him off_._

It took him a while to understand what she was saying. Then he followed her look down his own body and suddenly realized he was not wearing anything – he had gone out so fast, running after River that he did not even think about his own nakedness. He gasped and blushed, while River began laughing louder next to him, causing him to feel even more embarrassed.

"Oh, shut up!" he whispered to her, and she bit her lower lip to try to stop laughing, but she could not help chuckling.

"You're lucky," Amy finally said, "Rory did not see that. And… just say I did not see anything, right? Now just go and… please put some clothes on before getting us up for breakfast."

She turned back and left them alone. She had just turned the corner that River guffawed louder. He stepped backwards and stared angrily at her.

"Oh please River!"

"I'm sorry," she said without actually looking sorry.

_"_You could have told me!"

"It wouldn't have been as funny." she answered as she wiped away the tears caused by her laughter.

He groaned – he did not find it funny. Then he turned back and began walking down the corridors to reach his room, and find something to get in.

"Are you pouting?" River asked in his back, a few steps behind him, and he could almost see her smile in her face.

"I'm not."

"Oh yes you are." she replied.

"I'm just trying to find some clothes to wear… Someone has taken mine!" he answered as he reached the door, without a single look for her, still pretending he was cross.

"You mean… that kind of clothes?"

And as he stepped in his room, a piece of cloth landed up on his head.

"What is…"

Taking it off his face he recognized his shirt, the shirt she had worn a few seconds before, the only thing she had actually been wearing. He slowly turned back, and his gaze grew up as he discovered his naked wife glancing him_._

"What do you think of it?" she asked.

"Oh, _you_, come on here."

He took her by the hand and dragged her into the room, slamming the door behind them.


	7. Please tell me I'm wrong

**7. Please tell me I'm wrong**

They always sleep close to each other, skin against skin. That night she was lying on her side and he was _next to_ her, his forehead leaning on her _shoulder_, one of his palms flat on her back. His other arm was around her waist, so _that_ his hand was lying against her stomach, his fingers tangled up with hers. She could feel his hot breath regularly stroking her skin, his hearts beating calmly against her back.

He was sleeping deeply but she could not close her eyes. She was thinking.

The change had come slowly. It had been details, unimportant things, and maybe she would not have seen them if she had not been expecting them. A few years ago she would not have noticed _them; she_ was too young and she did not pay attention to_those little details_. But she had grown up and now she realized that what she had always been afraid of was finally there.

It had begun.

She could not tell when or how exactly –it _c_ould be possible, if she focused and remembered, but this was not something she wanted to know. The fact was there, she was sure now, and that was all she needed to know.

He was younger and younger each time they met. Why _they__had_stopped meeting in an order that was not exactly right, but _was_more or less synchronised, she could not tell. And neither could he. He had always told her that this day would happen, but he had never told her why –and she wondered if he knew. He might be as lost as she was.

He had always told her, and she had years to get prepared, but now that it was real, she was not sure she was ready for it. For now, there was nothing to really worry about –he still knew her, he still loved her, he still slept with her, holding her as is she would disappear if he did not feel her _next to_ him. But everything would slowly disappear, vanishing in the air, he would escape her like sand in her hands, and all she would have would be memories. She would lose him, until one day...

He shivered against her, interrupting her thoughts. His heartbeat fastened, his nails scratched her back and he slurred words she could not understand. She tightened her grip around his hand and her other hand moved from her head to his arm, to stoke him slowly. He calmed down under her touch and after a minute he was sleeping again, as if nothing had happened.

Nightmares –nightmares were a constancy of his dreams. He had lived a long life, had _done_ things he was not proud of, had lost a lot of people, and _memories_ he fought during daylight often came back during his sleep. She herself had _a_ collection of bad memories, and her nights were as troubled as his. That was one of the reasons why they always slept so close to each other, their mutual presence was the only thing that could bring them some comfort. _They couldn't sleep without the presence of the other._

She knew that some of his bad dreams were about her –not about her actually, but about what he had done with her, what he had done to her, or what he had not, because he did not know her. She could feel his fear, and his guiltiness –and all his sadness. That was what scared her most about her future, about his past: what he felt about it.

Now th_o_se moments were getting closer.

She remembered, the first time she had said "_spoilers_" she had found it funny and exciting. For once, she knew things he did not, and it was a powerful sensation –knowing things the Doctor did not was not usual, and there were only a few people in the universe that had already experimented that feeling. But then she had said it more and more often, and it was not funny anymore, only painful. At the beginning, moments when she was the one to know and moments when he was the one to know were alternating and sometimes they had both things they knew and things they did not –and they were her favourite, when they met and they had both secrets but also memories to share, it was like they were equal, and they could pretend that everything was right.

However, that weak balance was broken for her. She had not met her older Doctor for a long while, and it was getting worse and worse each time they met. They _had_ fewer and fewer things in common, and more and more thing_s s_eparated them. Her love was grounded on many things he had not lived yet, and his love was grounded on many things she had not. _Even if _it was enough for now, it would be an issue in her following meetings –because her love and knowledge were still growing up, while _h_is were slowly disappearing.

"_What's wrong?"_

She almost jumped as he asked. She was so confused by her thoughts that she did not feel him awakening. He placed a soft kiss in the crook of her neck and stroked her arms in a peaceful way.

"_Nothing's wrong."_ She answered, and she could feel him frowning against her skin. She was stupid to think he could believe such a lie, when she did not even believe it herself.

"_River, don't lie to me. I know you're worried about something."_

She sighed and turned away so she could be front of him. She entwined her hand with the one that had been on her shoulders, while his other arm found a place around her back to push her closer in a protective way. She looked at his fingers, at his chest, at his skin there, enjoying his warmth around her. It was so delightful, so precious; her stomach felt heavy and her throat dry. There were things she did not want to lose.

He was waiting for an answer, calmly, letting her take her time and find her words. When she finally looked up at him, his gaze was full of love and patience and tenderness –and she suddenly felt sick.

"_I'm falling down."_ She answered.

"_Falling down?"_

"_We have begun moving in reverse. You are still walking up to reach the top of your story; but I've already lived it, and the only things that I can do is falling down." _She tried to explain.

Her voice was calm, almost cold –but inside her heart was torn apart. Saying it was making the situation real, so concrete, whereas when it was only in her mind, she could pretend it was not true.

Her look was still trapped in his, and for a while she hoped that he would say that she was wrong, that she was not walking on a road that could only bring her to the end. But his gaze darkened. He looked worried and... guilty and sad again. It was the look she hated too much.

She was more afraid than before, and she mentally begged him. _"Oh, please, please, please..."_ It could not be real. _"Please tell me I'm wrong. Tell me there's hope. Tell me I still have time."_ It was too early, too painful, too unfair. She tightened her grip around his hand and closed her eyes, waiting for his answer anxiously.

"_I'm sorry"_ he finally said _"I'm so sorry."_

There was nothing else to say.

She pressed against his chest, her eyes still closed, and she sobbed silently, cool tears running down his beloved skin. She could not let his hand go off her own, and she was holding it so strongly that her knuckles hurt –and it might hurt him too. But he did not move, holding her tightly, pressing kisses on her head and stroking her back slowly.

None of them slept anymore that night. Sometimes life was worse than nightmares –and there was nothing they could do to escape it.


	8. Time is running out

_**8. Time is running out**_

_One. Two .Three. Four._

_Ten. Twenty. Fifty._

_Hundred. Hundreds._

_Thousands._

_Millions._

x.

He is counting every day, every night. He is counting every second, every minute, every hour.

He is counting every anniversary, every birthday. Every year they have.

The_y_ are not only numbers or trophies. The_y_ are not only things he can be proud of. The_y_ are not only a personal record, a challenge, a race he wants to win.

This is something else. Something more intimate. Something that hurts. Something he wants to cry about.

It's a countdown.

x.

Every time she speaks, he likes how her voice makes the words sound; how she creates every syllable, how every consonant pops like bursts of fireworks, how every vowel rolls like the tide dying on the sand.

Every time she moves, getting closer and he can feel her warmth all around him; her hands in his hands, her lips on his lips, her skin against his skin, and she fills up the space until there is nothing between them.

Every time he smells her perfume in the air before he can even see her, and with it he can almost tell where she is and how she is. Every time her hair strokes his nose and he believes she often does it in purpose, just to make him giggle.

Every time he can see her face and she is brighter and brighter, her laughter are clear and even her tears are beautiful.

Every time she is afraid and he is the only one to know.

Every time she shivers under his touch.

Every kiss. Every smile. Every look. Every secret. Every dream. Every sleep. Every breath. Every heartbeat.

He is counting everything, so he is sure he won't miss any.

x.

They run. They dance. They fall. They love. They create. They destroy. They breathe. They fight. They win – but there's a battle they have lost, before even knowing they've begun it.

Their time is running out, and there is nothing he can do to stop it. Just live each second like it is the last.

He has always known the moment when her path will stop. But he does not know when his last time will occur. As their lives are made, it could be just before her own end – or just after she has just met him. He does not know. And he does not want to know.

So he lives like this. Counting every moment. Counting every second. Counting every time he see_s_ her. And each time they meet, he is aware that it's one more time he will love and cherish – but it's also a moment that will never come back, a moment less in the things he has to live with her.

x.

_Millions._

_Thousands._

_Hundreds. Hundred._

_Fifty. Twenty. Ten._

_Four. Three. Two. One. _

Until one day, there's nothing left.


End file.
